Oh boy! Here we go again. I had to really ponder this one. I couldn’t figure out what I was missing, why I couldnt’ think of anything to do.

When I was about 14 years old, I remember the moment when I decided that I couldn’t let my life wait until I felt “good enough”, “thin enough”, “brave enough”. So, I would just fake it until I made it. I decided to do the things I wanted to do anyway and let the rest catch up as it would. I thought I was so smart. This was a sort of re-dedication of something I figured out when I was even younger, but now I was in a position to take more actions.

And living in Los Angeles, the land of faking it til you make it, I knew just how to do it.

I was going to give you more actual stories as examples, like my alluded to groupie days, or taking acting classes and voice lessons and going out to… wherever. But the bottom line is that no matter where I went or what I did, I was not present. I really wasn’t there. I only learned to be better and better at hiding out deep within myself while going through the motions of being somewhere.

So, for days now, I’ve been thinking about that. Trying to come up with something I could do that would be a challenge. It seemed like there wasn’t anything, because I do do the things I think I want to.

But here’s the tricky part and where I absolutely can challenge myself. I can do everything with my defenses more down or rather with my self more present.

Older age has made some of that just happen naturally. I have so much less interest in what other people think and I know myself so well now that it’s impossible to be anyone else. But, when I’m nervous or scared I tend to just disconnect. I’m great at it.

The other reason this has been a difficult challenge is because ever since I had my daughter I have to do many social things that I might have shied away from and for her sake I do it without thought. I have to strike up conversation with other parents and even try to make friends. My husband isn’t good at it either. He’s really very shy too, so I have been taking the lead and chatting up the other parents. Eek! I have courage I never knew because of her.

I suppose it started with childbirth, huh? I NEVER would have thought I’d be so comfortable letting it all hang out like I had to during her birth. For real. It is true that modesty becomes a thing of the past once you’ve had friends and strangers gathered around your hoo, turned nearly inside out and well, you know the rest. I don’t even know how many people had their fingers probing me.

Luckily that position in the stirrups is flattering to even the fattest legs! And yes, I did take a moment through the incredible pain to note that.

Okay. To the challenge. I’ve been trying to be more mindful of not disconnecting for safety or comfort. I guess my comfort zone is “inside myself.” So, the out of my comfort zone challenge is to do anything or everything while being more truly present in the moment.

That will be ongoing because it’s sort of subtle.

And then I finally came across an idea that I have absolutely been avoiding doing. I’m still not quite ready to do it, but in honor of this month and this challenge I am making it a priority. It’s everything that has to do with myself as a teacher or leader. I’ve been asked for years now to do a class or workshop with someone I think is amazing. I keep chickening out. I sometimes want to be more fit first, but that’s really about hoping to feel more in my body and grounded by that. I also never feel like I know enough or am qualified enough or confident enough. She wants me to do anything I want, something with pendulums or crystals or healing.

I did a shamanic journeying and drumming group years ago. I still don’t know how I did it. It was fantastic at first and people came and seemed to get something out of it. And interstingly, as I started to get more timid and freaked out and less present, the group changed and odd people and energies started coming. So, I stopped and never did try again.

I’ve never truly risen to the challenge of owning my self as a healer and teacher. I tried a bit last year, but froze up and didn’t follow through. Sometimes I can have a burst of enthusiasm and think about it, write about it, make a brochure… but then I freeze up.

So, while I can’t tell you I did something this week, I am making this my 2012 commitment to my self and my life.

Whew! I feel like this is so boring, but it’s therapy, right? Thanks for listening.