I decided to take a step back from my “hunger” so that I could hopefully start to identify if it was real…
I’m noticing a couple of things about my hunger. There seem to be three states, Hungry, Not hungry and not hungry but really really want to eat.
And I’m starting to be able to differentiate a bit.
And so my Hunger Dragon was born. He roars, breaths fire and stomps around – trying to get me to eat. Telling me I’m starving and that I am ANGRY too. Pissed off at having to deprive myself…
Before I got enough distance, I thought he was me, and that those feelings were SO important. I used to give in. Every diet I every started.
But now, this is helping me. Instead of unconsciously alligning myself with him and that desperate feeling of hunger or control or whatever it really is… I have the time I need to CHOOSE. I expect to be hungry sometimes while I’m dieting. Or really in normal healthy life even. I never got hungry before because I was always eating something. I am enjoying being a little hungry now and then. The HUNGER is obviously something else.
I told my friend Lia last month that I couldn’t wait for another chance to face down my dragon hunger. After I slipped off the plan and really regretted it (and then got back ON), I felt so focused and I wanted the chance to do it differently. To make a different choice. But then I really got on a nice little roll where I wasn’t hungry at all. I had to force myself to eat all my meals. I started drinking the shakes because it was the easiest and least like eating. And so I couldn’t really conjure my Dragon. Didn’t want to. I had wanted to write about him, but he wasn’t around. That lasted for two weeks.
I’ve been back from my second slip for almost a week and it’s been hard the whole time. I’ve been doing well following the plan but every day just gets harder and yesterday (Friday) I really thought about telling my husband that I might take a day off over the weekend. He wouldn’t have said much about it. He’s supportive but knows that once I feel like I’m being judged or forced I rebel and won’t want to do it at all. (stupid trait of mine left from overbearing father).
I didn’t say that to him, though. I knew that part of me was setting the stage for me to go off plan. That’s how the Dragon works sometimes. Not so much fire as smoke that infiltrates slowly and quietly. It had been working on me all day.
Instead I made a point of telling Stephen (husband) that in fact I especially did want to stay OP this weekend, but that it might be hard for me.
That sets me up just as well in a positive way – it means that Stephen will know I’m not happy about what I’m doing if I were to cheat and I’d feel it and it just wouldn’t be fun.
I also asked him for help which is something I don’t do too often. I asked him if he could fix Miss M’s meals so I could stay out of the kitchen.
What better way to fight a dragon than with a Knight?
I really believe that this weekend is critical for me. This is exactly the wall I hit every day and every time I start to lose weight. It’s not about one day or one little cheat. It’s about whether or not I will do this program properly and to full success, or be on and off every month dragging it out until I decide to quit.
Oddly enough, the holidays aren’t my problem. It turns out I’m doing really well at family gatherings (always food centered). Once I’ve decided I’m going to be OP, I seem to get through the day reasonably easily. So, I feel good about Thanksgiving and Christmas.
But, it’s this daily grind where my Dragon comes around most, smoke, fire, feet stomping, roaring.. you know, Dragon stuff.
At least I see him coming now.
