winning the lottery

I’ve been really into the idea of winning the lottery. The thing is, someone always wins. I truly believe it’s random. Oddly enough, I don’t even really think it’s about visualizing or manifesting it. If it were it would be crazy since there are so many people, way more desperate than me, wishing and praying with all their might. Maybe they all cancel each other out. I just can’t tap into it like that.
But randomness may even be better. Why not me? Who knows, but like I said, someone will win. And random don’t care who.

The first time I played, I was certain beginners luck would make me a winner. Or that the universe, having waited all these years to elevate me to my rightful place of success and comfort would seize the opportunity to set my life straight.
I practically called realtors about looking for our dream house. Although, I started thinking right away that we would probably build our house from scratch, be totally environmental and non toxic, etc.  So, I looked at land on realtor.com instead.

I made a list of who I love and what they would need right away and then thought about ways to help long term and actaully started a file of charities that I would like most to help. It was so much fun.

And I was genuinely a little surprised that we didn’t win. Hmmmm.

I started this note book where I saved my tickets and numbers. It would be so interesting after we won.

Eventually, I  slowed down quite a bit. For a while in the beginning I was buying multiple number picks for each play. Now I just get one quick pick usually. I can stay in the game much longer that way. In the beginning I would sweat it out if I missed a play. And now, we go stretches without any tickets at all.

I also have had this idea about it that I can’t shake. It gets stronger. So, whether it’s some kind of truth or not, I think my sense of rightness about it empowers it. For better or worse maybe. Meaning, maybe I will block any kind of luck unless I heed this feeling.

I had it all figured out one day while I was driving. It’s less clear now, but I’ll try to re-create it.

I have always had a conviction that I would be successful. That is, to say, happy, healthy, beautiful, in love, wealthy and doing something I loved creatively for money. And Thin.

I was never sad or worried. Even when I was 38 and practically a virgin, single and overweight, I wasn’t worried. I always believed that I would have everything. Some things changed as I got older, of course, but I was still seeing my perfect future. I did try and be proactive and figure out and work on anything that could be keeping me from my abundance from the universe. I worked so hard in therapy for so many years to build my strength and courage to be able to withstand all the attention and affection that I knew was just waiting for me to be ready for it. I worked hard to figure out why I was stuck creatively. I never doubted my talent or creativity in general. But I knew I was failing to manifest anything at all in the world and that I had better get that solved soon.

But the thing I never talked about to my therapist or anyone, was that I never imagined any of those things coming true while I was fat and out of shape. Seriously, from the time I was 6 years old and started really fantasizing about my future, I was thin. And I fantasized ALOT. All the time for many years of my life. I was so good at it, I could be doing it while I was in school, having conversations, watching movies… It was a bit of work in therapy, in fact, to learn to shut that automatic reel from running no matter what else was going on. That was part of trying to be present in my actual life. Because I did have a sense at some point that I needed to be where I actually was, with all my life force, if I wanted to change anything and get to where I wanted to be.
In a way, that is a whole lot of thought forming and manifesting. I sometimes think that I manifested everything so hard and put it immediately on hold to wait for me to present the appropriate vessel. So now, even though in nature, in the world, the universe or even my own path, karma, destiny, I didn’t need to be thin… I created this “reality block” all on my own. I made it a condition and somehow I made it stop any flow of abundance toward myself.

Miraculously, love is the part I finally got anyway. I believe my destiny here was too strong to be put off any longer. I still might have delayed it for a long time. Even if it was meant to be Stephen, which I believe it was, there is no good reason we had to wait so long. We were both just waiting. Alone.
I did work a lot in therapy on letting someone love me. And I was starting to be more present in my present body and in the moment. And then there was the fact that he was just already there in my heart and I had no resistance. But that’s another story…

So, true love, check. But, when that unconditional love and acceptance didn’t allow me to give up the extra “me” (weight/ protection, whatever)… I had to take another look at it. I had always thought that it was part resistance to my father’s judgment and mostly fear of being vulnerable in the world…

Blah, blah, blah…

Point at hand, I don’t believe that I need to be thin to win the lottery. But, I am thinking that there is some element of being grounded and committed to being here in this life and in this body in this time that needs to be in place. I believe that when I am eating for comfort and staying in that foggy place, that I have a powerful barrier all around me that prevents any abundance from flowing to me. I believe it prevents me from being seen in the world. That was what I wanted for so long, after all, to be invisible. And that if I am just seriously in the process of health and of not weighing my body, mind and spirit down with sugar and inactivity, then there is a dynamic that begins to gain strength. And that this energy can lead to my ability to manifest anything. Or to random abundance from the universe in the form of a lottery win to just come my way. Simple as that.

I had to have the piece of being here and grounded also and so all those years of therapy and spiritual work were necessary. And I think that being loved has grounded me and certainly having a pregnancy and giving birth, as well as my daughter in general, has anchored me to this earth and this life like nothing else ever could.

I am afraid of something. I have been afraid of something and I have searched every way I can think of to figure out what. Is it real? Is it imagined? Is it from within, like my sensitivity or vulnerablity? Or… what?

Fear will block abundance.

I release all fear around abundance.

I’m ready. The fog is lifting and I am ready.