Pink Sneakers

My husband found this great photo for me. It’s a beauty contest and there is the winner, second from the left. The one on the end came in fourth. Could it have anything to do with the fact that she shows the least amount of skin? Could it be that maybe some things haven’t changed all that much? But look at their nice doughy legs, flat chests and frizzy hair. It’s fantastic!

When I lost 30 pounds last year I bought myself these pink sneakers. I love them. Of course, I was still over 200 pounds, so this is not my fantasy shopping spree by a long shot. But since I’ve gained back 20, I don’t feel like wearing them. It just doesn’t work for me.

I’ve never been one of those “big” women who still dresses the way she would if she was tiny. Really, why not? It’s not like I’m keeping my weight a secret because I wear baggy clothes. Like, if I don’t have something that forms to the shape of my belly, no one would guess that it’s there. And it’s a fact that most of the time, wearing a size that fits makes you look smaller.

Doesn’t matter.

I don’t want to wear certain things until I’m “there”.

But, oh the wonder of being pregnant! I couldn’t wait until my “baby belly” was bigger than my “just fat” belly. I felt liberated. I’ve struggled with the weight thing my whole life, so I don’t even remember a time when I relaxed my stomach muscles and chose a dress to cling to my belly. I was really proud of that belly.

I used to feel like I was Sleeping Beauty. I even wrote about it in one of my youthful angst journals. I felt like I was Sleeping Beauty and I fell asleep and then woke up as “me” in my life and in my fat body. I was so confused. How would anyone recognize the princess in me? I felt very put out about the whole thing. That was all part of my distancing myself from my own strong, wonderful body. I didn’t want it because it wasn’t perfect…. (Which you know if you’ve been reading here before). And that was when I was still young and smooth and firm, albeit fat. Now, I’m 45 and Sleeping Beauty, waking in me, is, well, she’s PISSED!

So, I have the pink shoes. And I’ll wear them when I can wear a pair of jeans, size 16 and below. (18 or 16, depending on where you shop).  I think that Lane Bryant and the Venezia brand has sized things to make the big girl feel a tiny bit better about her situation. I’ll take it, but when I get where I’m going, I want to fit into a real, I don’t know, like Ann Taylor “we’re not letting you get away with anything” size 10.

I’m not even sure what my fantasy wardrobe consists of anymore. Styles have changed since I first started fantasizing about it.

Deep down I’m still waiting to be able to wear the all gold dress and shoes and purse I wanted when I was 6 and my father said he’d get them for me if I lost weight. Yep, at 6! (I’ve had therapy for it already. I’m okay, really.)

And I finally got rid of the clothes from the 80’s I was hoping to wear. Except the workout clothes. I still have some of those and will certainly wear them. Just colorful leggings, etc.

Now, I just know that I’d like to be able to wear comfortable and beautiful things. J.Jill usually has a lot of things I like. Light and flowy. And I would love to shop for a few nice dresses to wear on dates with my husband. Pretty things.

I’ve been “pretty on the inside” long enough!