Archive of ‘challenge’ category

Hate-Loss Group Therapy #3

Oh boy! Here we go again. I had to really ponder this one. I couldn’t figure out what I was missing, why I couldnt’ think of anything to do.

When I was about 14 years old, I remember the moment when I decided that I couldn’t let my life wait until I felt “good enough”, “thin enough”, “brave enough”. So, I would just fake it until I made it. I decided to do the things I wanted to do anyway and let the rest catch up as it would. I thought I was so smart. This was a sort of re-dedication of something I figured out when I was even younger, but now I was in a position to take more actions.

And living in Los Angeles, the land of faking it til you make it, I knew just how to do it.

I was going to give you more actual stories as examples, like my alluded to groupie days, or taking acting classes and voice lessons and going out to… wherever. But the bottom line is that no matter where I went or what I did, I was not present. I really wasn’t there. I only learned to be better and better at hiding out deep within myself while going through the motions of being somewhere.

So, for days now, I’ve been thinking about that. Trying to come up with something I could do that would be a challenge. It seemed like there wasn’t anything, because I do do the things I think I want to.

But here’s the tricky part and where I absolutely can challenge myself. I can do everything with my defenses more down or rather with my self more present.

Older age has made some of that just happen naturally. I have so much less interest in what other people think and I know myself so well now that it’s impossible to be anyone else. But, when I’m nervous or scared I tend to just disconnect. I’m great at it.

The other reason this has been a difficult challenge is because ever since I had my daughter I have to do many social things that I might have shied away from and for her sake I do it without thought. I have to strike up conversation with other parents and even try to make friends. My husband isn’t good at it either. He’s really very shy too, so I have been taking the lead and chatting up the other parents. Eek! I have courage I never knew because of her.

I suppose it started with childbirth, huh? I NEVER would have thought I’d be so comfortable letting it all hang out like I had to during her birth. For real. It is true that modesty becomes a thing of the past once you’ve had friends and strangers gathered around your hoo, turned nearly inside out and well, you know the rest. I don’t even know how many people had their fingers probing me.

Luckily that position in the stirrups is flattering to even the fattest legs! And yes, I did take a moment through the incredible pain to note that.

Okay. To the challenge. I’ve been trying to be more mindful of not disconnecting for safety or comfort. I guess my comfort zone is “inside myself.” So, the out of my comfort zone challenge is to do anything or everything while being more truly present in the moment.

That will be ongoing because it’s sort of subtle.

And then I finally came across an idea that I have absolutely been avoiding doing. I’m still not quite ready to do it, but in honor of this month and this challenge I am making it a priority. It’s everything that has to do with myself as a teacher or leader. I’ve been asked for years now to do a class or workshop with someone I think is amazing. I keep chickening out. I sometimes want to be more fit first, but that’s really about hoping to feel more in my body and grounded by that. I also never feel like I know enough or am qualified enough or confident enough. She wants me to do anything I want, something with pendulums or crystals or healing.

I did a shamanic journeying and drumming group years ago. I still don’t know how I did it. It was fantastic at first and people came and seemed to get something out of it. And interstingly, as I started to get more timid and freaked out and less present, the group changed and odd people and energies started coming. So, I stopped and never did try again.

I’ve never truly risen to the challenge of owning my self as a healer and teacher. I tried a bit last year, but froze up and didn’t follow through. Sometimes I can have a burst of enthusiasm and think about it, write about it, make a brochure… but then I freeze up.

So, while I can’t tell you I did something this week, I am making this my 2012 commitment to my self and my life.

Whew! I feel like this is so boring, but it’s therapy, right? Thanks for listening.

Hate-Loss Challenge Week 2

The statements:

I often receive the most compliments on my eyes.

What I admire most about myself when I look at my reflection is (this one stumps me at the moment.)

I take pride in my positivity.

I love the fact that I can keep trying.

My greatest quality is compassion.

Now to the exercise for this week: “Spend at least 10 minutes going about your life believing that you are perfect exactly as you are right at this moment.”

How the heck can I go around thinking I’m perfect the way I am? What does that even mean?

When I started, I was just running a constant monologue in my head. “I’m great, I’m perfect just as I am. I dressed perfectly today and I’m walking around the house very well and …. blah, blah, blah… ” So, that wasn’t working.

Then I tried to imagine myself “perfect” or how I have always thought perfect for me would be. Of course it started with a fit and thin, strong body, beautiful skin and hair and a cute outfit. Now, I know the exercise isn’t about imagining that we are perfect, but I was trying to find out how that feeling might even be. Then I’d transfer it on to my current self.

The point is, I guess, that I have no sense of it. What can that possibly feel like? Is it, in fact, about the words in my head that describe the situations? Or is it my images of myself as I go about my life?

This is actually my second attempt at this. The first time, I couldn’t do it at all. I was just going to leave a comment on Ellen’s post and say I absolutely couldn’t do it. No way. Not possible for me to feel perfect just as I am. I am not. And I never will be in this particular version of my physical body. I don’t even want to totally accept myself fat. (This is a long journey. I’ve worked on versions of it, of knowing that I must accept where I’m at to get where I’m going, etc…) But I can’t tell myself to believe it’s all good.

Doesn’t mean I don’t like myself or even hate myself because I’m fat. As I get so much older, I have lots of regrets and some grief about the body that will now never be possible. But, I’ll do what I can.

The other things are about who I am as an artist, how well I’ve made money, how I’ve lived up to my potential intellectually… I just can’t make it okay that I haven’t and that I’ve not been successful in the other things.

I wouldn’t mind if I’d tried things and failed. My problem is that I haven’t put enough of myself out into the world. I don’t even have art or writing, for example, secreted away that I haven’t shown anyone. I just crawled into myself and didn’t even create.

I’m trying to do it all now.

I’ve just realized three things:

1. That I can’t easily think of my “perfect” self without it being about the things I’ve done or am doing.

2. When I really try to tap into the idea of just simply “being” and being happy with who I am.. I think I can. And I think I already do love myself at my core. I love who I am and who I have the potential to be. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I wouldn’t want to look like anyone else. I just want to look like myself at my healthiest and most fit. I think I might be very arrogant at the heart of it. Hmmmmmm…….

3. I’m often confused.

About the Positive Reinforcement Sheet:

I haven’t done it enough, but aim to this week. And I did change it a bit. Now mine says, “no matter what size I am, or how much I accomplish…”

It felt necessary for me.


F-itty, F-ing, F!!!!!! Weigh in, Plus Size Bloggers

I thought about letting this picture say it all… But, what kind of emotional exhibitionist would I be then?

I’m having a terrible time maintaining any progress I make. What the F is wrong with me? Shit!! I’m so sick of myself.

I’m exhausted.

And yet…. my blessing and curse is that I can’t ever stay down for long. Sometimes I long for the bottom of the abyss. It seems sort of peaceful there. Just to linger for a moment or two.

But I can’t seem to stay. I have too strong an inner optimist who keeps ruining everything. So, here I go again, looking forward to a new day.

I did my cardio today, more out of desperation to escape the sludge of my paralysis than any fitness motivation. It does help somewhat.

My score for this weeks weigh-in is up 2. I’m still down 2, so that’s something, I suppose.


Droid in 40!

I finally have something to reward myself with!! I’m really happy and I think this is going to make it extra fun for me to DO IT!!!

I’ve never been able to bribe myself with a reward because I was used to just getting myself whatever I wanted and had no patience to wait. Well, that was before I had a child (mostly when I was single and only had myself to take care of). Now, I’m in no position to spend money frivolously and while I can certainly make use of this shiny new bit of technology, I don’t technically need it.

Thus, a challenge is born, a goal set, and a prize named.

I will have that Droid.

I chose 40 pounds as the number because it should be a big deal. I was going to make it 30 to just recover the pounds I lost and re-gained, but nope. Full forty.

I’m really excited.

I know that’s a long way to go, but I’ll have lots of rewards along the way just marking distance from where I am now! Plus, melting out of my fattest clothes…, feeling better and nearing Onederland.

My husband and I decided we’d indulge in a power tower for the gym at some point. I want to wait until I’ve done enough strength building that I can actually use it. I figure maybe a couple of months. I’ve never been able to do a pull up, but I like the ab/pull your knees up exercise a lot.

And, so as not to shock my self-indulgent system too much all at once, I’m getting myself some pink weight lifting gloves and a haircut right away. I need bouncy hair for working out.

And I just decided that when I lose 20 pounds I’m shopping at Bobbie’s Fitness Warrior Wear shop again. My XXL should be a bit baggy by then!

Ah, the enthusiasm of the night before…. and soon the sweat of my morning workout.

Hot 100 Final Update

This is me.

The Phoenix rising from the ashes.

This challenge has helped me to focus and to transform even though I did nothing but crash and burn pretty much every week. I’ve never put myself in a position like this where I was committed to staying so conscious of what I was doing. It didn’t magically help me accomplish anything, but it did allow me to gain some valuable insights. One thing I’ve learned is that I’m focusing way to much on thinking about dieting and not simply making healthy eating and exercise a part of my life. I’m mentally exhausted and I that doesn’t help anything.

I am so excited about the start of a new year. Day One of Month One of 2011. I’ve never been a New Year’s Resolution type, and I’m not thinking that way now. What I’m doing is utilizing the energy of the “beginning” to kick start my program.

I know what to do and I’m doing it. My score card so far is this: 2009 – down 30 pounds; 2010 – back up 30 pounds. 2010 was an exercise in futility. I explored every way possible to get this wrong. It might turn out to be brilliant when I come out on the other end of this journey and have this knowledge to share.

For January I’m going to spend a lot less time on this blog. I’m focusing on my Mom Blog (Mom Grooves). Basically, I’m focusing on Life and dieting at the same time. I think this will be really positive for me. I had to spend a lot more time on creative projects before Christmas (gifts…) and I felt more like a whole person as opposed to the dieting failure I’ve been identifying with especially for the past few months.

I’m so happy I got to connect with so many people through the Hot 100 challenge and I hope to keep up these connections and to continue to support the other blogs. And I really appreciate South Beach Steve for mounting this challenge and for being so constantly supportive all throughout.

So, like the Phoenix, I am transformed and stronger than I was before. I will never give up and I will accomplish my fitness goals. I believe 2011 is my year.

Hot 100 Update December 17th!

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!!!

There is nothing else in my head. Just Christmas and all the things still to be done before Christmas.

We really want to make most of our daughter’s gifts and to have her help make gifts for others. But, I didn’t get my really good ideas until just this week.

I’m honestly in shock that Christmas is next week.

I have no thoughts of “diet”, though I’ve been thinking a lot about health.

I wanted to weigh myself, but haven’t had any morning moment’s peace to do it. (I refuse to do it after the a.m. pure moment because I’ll just drive myself crazy wondering what it “really” should have been.)

So, thanks to this Hot 100 challenge, I know exactly how many days I’ve let pass with no weight loss. That’s not fun, but I do believe it’s important to be conscious. Denial, and letting weeks and months just pass is exactly how I’ve gotten here. Blah, blah.

A much more important number is the 14 days left.

I want to exercise 10 out of those 14 days.

And I’m really hoping to find time to visit more Hotties. I’ve had very little computer time lately that isn’t Christmas related.

I hope everyone has a great week!!

It ain’t over til it’s over… and even then it’s not over….

Hot 100 Update and my Before Photos

No scale today, but I’m still sticking with it. Part of me thinks I should skip the update and hide myself until I’m actually losing weight… but my commitment to this weekly update and reveal of even my failings is important to me.

I’m not pressing the “restart” button every time I don’t have a good week and if it means I spend 100 days maintaining a  hugely OVER weight, then so be it. At least I’m staying conscious.

I don’t mean to be justifiying my inaction or making excuses… Just keeping it real.

I believe I’m getting a lot out of this experiment. For sure, the community and support has been amazing. But I’ve also found a new ability in myself to continually find a silver lining and keep my focus. I’m not actually reducing yet, but I’m learning and educating myself and trying different things.

Here’s a big one for me…. I made an appointment for next week to get bodywork and to have a facial. Both things I would normally wait “until I lose weight” to do. And in the meantime just feel worse and worse. Well, I need help to be able to keep working out and I need to take care of this skin of mine. I’m an old mommy and I do not want to be mistaken for her grandmother!

Hot 100 Update

Well, I’ve really been practicing maintenance. It’s a bit premature, but at least I’m doing it.

I have no idea where this week went. I think last Thursday through Sunday blended, so it feels like only a few days have passed.

Ah, life.

So, my final goal list is this:

1. DIET!!!!!! Any diet, just do it every day (I’m taking off Christmas day)

2. Abs and stretching/yoga every day  (I still can’t do cardio because of my achilles injury)

3. Drink water all day long.

4. Enjoy life every moment. Embrace the body I’m in even as I’m transforming it.

5. Visit more blogs!

28 days!!! Woo Hoo!

I always was a procrastinator. Let’s see what I can do before 2011!

Hot 100 Update 11-12-10

It’s a good thing I’m used to being a late bloomer, or I’d really be worried about this challenge. I am pleased to discover that there are 50 days left. That seems substantial. Of course, they’re the Thanksgiving and Christmas days, but that’s not going to be a deal breaker.

I’m having some major overwhelm these days. Life stuff. Un-diet related except for the way that it derails my diet. I’m also having pretty intense PMS (sorry fellas). I realized just how intense when I couldn’t even look at my blog anymore until I changed the color scheme. This isn’t a depressed color. It’s just more peaceful to my over-worked senses. I actually like it, and I’ve never been a fan of the black blogs.

Anyway… I can honestly say that if it were not for the Hot 100, South Beach Steve and all my fellow Hotties… I would just slip into a food coma for the next two months and probably gain another 10 pounds. Even though I’m struggling… I’m still struggling. That’s actually the good news. I’m not going unconscious and believe me, I’m good at that and I dearly want to.

The positive… because I have to find it or I’ll go insane. I figure I can make this productive if I at least track my resistance. What I’m feeling now is EXACTLY why I’m still fat after all these years. It’s why I can be as smart and strong as I am and still be unable to choose to make this change.

I’m kind of exhausted from facing it day after day. I have tried to stop thinking and just take action… And even though that hasn’t worked for me so far, I will continue to try that strategy. I have 50 days, 49… And not a one to waste.

Hot 100 Update Nov 5th

Well, simplifying things seems to have helped me stop the out of control spiral. And today I finally got back on the beast for a good cardio sweat. I know that I really couldn’t have worked out with the headaches and pain I had the past few weeks, but now I need to push it a bit. I’m at the stage where I don’t feel that great yet, but I have to work out anyway so that I will start to feel better.  I was actually lying back in bed this morning and realized I could lay there and sleep or get up and work out. It was totally my choice. And working out, though a push to get there, would give me more energy for the rest of the day.

Which it has. I’m still tired, but I feel better in many ways. And this is just the beginning.

I want to feel strong and “well”. I want to be in control of my choices and to make choices that are positive. And isn’t it lucky that I can have exactly what I want?

My Hot 100 stats are very sad so far. I actually gained a few pounds and then just lost them again. So, I’m basically back where I started from a few weeks ago and I’ll take it!

All forward progress from here.

My plan for this week:

1-exercise 5 out of 7 days (at least)

2- don’t eat after 7p.m. and eat lots of VEGGIES!

3- keep in mind how it feels to burn 300-500 calories (all the work and sweat) when I’m making food choices each day.

4- visit ALL the Hotties. It’s a big goal, but I’m going to try. I think I have the entire list.. Does anyone know the final count?

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