Then I got the 10 day migraine and life got really intense and stressful and I basically ate bread and sugar for 10 weeks straight. Oh, and I didn’t exercise much. At first because I couldn’t and then because I was too tired (probably from eating so poorly.)

So, I’ve proved that even a re-set hypothalamus can be over-ridden with enough perseverance. For a while I couldn’t gain weight back no matter what I did. And then, I could.

I was going down that path… the one where people gain all their weight back and then more. The one I’ve seen happen to others and marvelled that they let it happen, that they squandered all their hard work and their health. And even though I was only 1/3 of the way to my goal, the mechanism is the same.

Here’s the rundown. I was 250. I lost 36 pounds and was 214. I was a month or two away from Onederland… And so the idea that I was back in the 20′s was devastating, depressing, defeating. I hated it so much that I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to look at it and I just wanted to eat.

And then for a brief, terrifying, moment, I was 228! A breath away from 230. And I started to think (as I quaked in my boots.)

When I was going from 250 to 214, I was thrilled to be 226. I felt motivated and I felt strong. I could not be stopped from having another good, healthy day and another and another. I was ONLY 226, after all. And from there I could see the light.

Hmmmm…..

Same number.

Did I have a choice about how I might perceive my current reality?

My answer is yes. And so, I made the necessary adjustments to my inner blah-blah, and here I am. Ready to own it, talk about it and change it!!

It’s brutal to have to lose the same pounds again. And it occurs to me that I’m probably not alone. Whatever your numbers are can just be plugged in to the above dance up and down. And I want to offer support to anyone who wants to get going in the right direction again. Even if it means re-treading the same miles/pounds one more time. One last time.

Here’s my course correction. 12 pounds. Grrrrrrrrr…..

The other thing that I lost with my momentum was my willingness to try. Weird, right? So, now that I’m back in the drivers seat here, I’m determined to actually diet and exercise with intent. I’m getting back to my rightful place at 214 and then storming the Castle of Onederland.

I feel I’ve gotten everything out of being fat that I can. Time to move on.

It’s not quite so easy and every 5 minutes that pass are a challenge. Today I feel good. I feel strong.

I just got a Groupon for a pilates studio right by my house. 5 reformer classes for $55. That’s great and fun.

Remember, if you’re stuck on an upswing and the lousy feelings are making it hard to turn it around, talk to me. I’ll be here for you.

The good thing was that I still had time to consider what I might be about to do.

First instinct: ME WANT CHOCOLATE!!!

Reconsider, adding reality of how it actually makes me feel to eat all that sugar at once (since there is no way I could stop at just a few.) I had to take a few deep cleansing breaths and think about it. I already know what they taste like and the way I felt right then with the memory, is just how I’d feel later this afternoon when they were all gone. So why not cut out the middle part and just not eat them.

Then I also let myself feel and remember past the moment of eating and the bliss of the taste and the feel and the comfort… to the way my body would feel afterward, groggy and headachey and yukky. And the way I would feel emotionally… weak and regretful.

And then the way I would feel the next time I get on the scale and it’s up.

And I decided that I didn’t need to get them. I reminded myself that I could always go back and get them another day.

I thought about being able to come home and write this post saying how wonderful and brave I am for not buying them and that gave me an extra boost of incentive.

I still had to re-dedicate myself a few times in the store.

When I discovered that pearled barley is one of the few grains that Trader Joe’s doesn’t carry, I was so frustrated that I almost went straight for the cups. See, that’s all it takes. One tiny derailment and I can so easily just give in.

But I didn’t and that’s the point. Whew!!!

And I thank you all, my dear readers, for even giving a fig about this victory of mine.

I’ve missed you all.

I’ve wanted to write more often and I think it will help if I do actually.

I’m doing great with exercise and pretty poorly with food. I eat well but then add too much sugar. My personal nemesis.

Yesterday I had my individual session with our couple’s therapist and afterward I went straight to Trader Joe’s for chocolate. I knew that I could make a different decision and NOT eat sugar in that moment, but I decided to indulge. However, the day before when we had our session as a couple I came home and worked out. So, I’m about 50/50 for good choices. And that had been a really, really hard day.

I’m so lucky I love to work out. I really don’t know why I’m fat. I love exercise, water and vegetables! I guess it goes to show how much damage sugar (in all forms including excess starchy carbs) can do.

Today my kid is sick again. We were up so much last night. She just has a cold…. the lovely result of finally getting her to school. She seems to turn into a bit of a caveman when she is sick. She won’t speak, just grunt and point. If I don’t get it, she just grunts louder. Funny and annoying at the same time.

It’s a good life all in all.

I want to add that Ellen’s Hate Loss Challenge was extraordinary. If you didn’t participate for some reason, I bet you’d still get something out of going back over the weeks challenges and doing them for yourself. Also, reading through what happened for those who did participate. I still have some catching up to do there…

I leave you with a quote I find especially funny some days:

When we lose twenty pounds… we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have!  We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.  ~Woody Allen

When I was about 14 years old, I remember the moment when I decided that I couldn’t let my life wait until I felt “good enough”, “thin enough”, “brave enough”. So, I would just fake it until I made it. I decided to do the things I wanted to do anyway and let the rest catch up as it would. I thought I was so smart. This was a sort of re-dedication of something I figured out when I was even younger, but now I was in a position to take more actions.

And living in Los Angeles, the land of faking it til you make it, I knew just how to do it.

I was going to give you more actual stories as examples, like my alluded to groupie days, or taking acting classes and voice lessons and going out to… wherever. But the bottom line is that no matter where I went or what I did, I was not present. I really wasn’t there. I only learned to be better and better at hiding out deep within myself while going through the motions of being somewhere.

So, for days now, I’ve been thinking about that. Trying to come up with something I could do that would be a challenge. It seemed like there wasn’t anything, because I do do the things I think I want to.

But here’s the tricky part and where I absolutely can challenge myself. I can do everything with my defenses more down or rather with my self more present.

Older age has made some of that just happen naturally. I have so much less interest in what other people think and I know myself so well now that it’s impossible to be anyone else. But, when I’m nervous or scared I tend to just disconnect. I’m great at it.

The other reason this has been a difficult challenge is because ever since I had my daughter I have to do many social things that I might have shied away from and for her sake I do it without thought. I have to strike up conversation with other parents and even try to make friends. My husband isn’t good at it either. He’s really very shy too, so I have been taking the lead and chatting up the other parents. Eek! I have courage I never knew because of her.

I suppose it started with childbirth, huh? I NEVER would have thought I’d be so comfortable letting it all hang out like I had to during her birth. For real. It is true that modesty becomes a thing of the past once you’ve had friends and strangers gathered around your hoo, turned nearly inside out and well, you know the rest. I don’t even know how many people had their fingers probing me.

Luckily that position in the stirrups is flattering to even the fattest legs! And yes, I did take a moment through the incredible pain to note that.

Okay. To the challenge. I’ve been trying to be more mindful of not disconnecting for safety or comfort. I guess my comfort zone is “inside myself.” So, the out of my comfort zone challenge is to do anything or everything while being more truly present in the moment.

That will be ongoing because it’s sort of subtle.

And then I finally came across an idea that I have absolutely been avoiding doing. I’m still not quite ready to do it, but in honor of this month and this challenge I am making it a priority. It’s everything that has to do with myself as a teacher or leader. I’ve been asked for years now to do a class or workshop with someone I think is amazing. I keep chickening out. I sometimes want to be more fit first, but that’s really about hoping to feel more in my body and grounded by that. I also never feel like I know enough or am qualified enough or confident enough. She wants me to do anything I want, something with pendulums or crystals or healing.

I did a shamanic journeying and drumming group years ago. I still don’t know how I did it. It was fantastic at first and people came and seemed to get something out of it. And interstingly, as I started to get more timid and freaked out and less present, the group changed and odd people and energies started coming. So, I stopped and never did try again.

I’ve never truly risen to the challenge of owning my self as a healer and teacher. I tried a bit last year, but froze up and didn’t follow through. Sometimes I can have a burst of enthusiasm and think about it, write about it, make a brochure… but then I freeze up.

So, while I can’t tell you I did something this week, I am making this my 2012 commitment to my self and my life.

Whew! I feel like this is so boring, but it’s therapy, right? Thanks for listening.

So, I happened to see a story about New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. He is very fat. Seriously. Very. And while I’m all for fair treatment and non-judgemental attitudes toward my fellow man, in this particular case I do feel it matters. I would be so worried that if he became president he would die very quickly of a heart attack. It has to be the most stressful job in the world, right? Or right up there. Obama looks so much older already.

And when we’re stressed, it is human nature to fall back on our comforts. Govenor Christie would very likely gain even more. As most of us know, it’s only a certain type of naturally thin people who can’t eat when they’re stressed out. In the same way that some smokers will take a puff between horrendous coughs and gasps for air with an illness, I can eat through anything. Happy day…. eat. Sad day… eat more. Excited day….. eat. Tired day… eat more. Throwing up flu… eat near restroom. Poopy flu… eat on the potty (just kidding, I think.) Terrible Headache… NO eating, but during less painful moments plan what to eat someday when the pain is less.

It’s too bad Christie isn’t addicted to something easier to hide like sex or light drugs.

If he was less fat I might feel differently. I don’t know exactly where the line is, but I feel that he’s well over it. I don’t believe he could possibly be “fit”.  He might be really smart, wise, a great leader and someone with solutions and healing for our country. That bums me out. I don’t know much about him honestly. And I won’t bother to learn more because I think he’s a non-starter.

I don’t think it’s prejudice or unfair to rule him out as president over his weight. I’m trying to think of other physical problems I would feel the same way about… (Not counting diseases like Cancer.) Wow… do I think obesity is a disease? I guess I don’t. I think it’s an issue of addiction, brain chemistry and body chemistry that is out of balance. Is that a disease? Maybe so, but I sure bet people with Cancer would love to have a disease they could choose to overcome. One that might be incredibly hard and terrifying for various reasons, but one that a person could choose to heal themselves from at any time.

And now I’ve absolutely negated every whiny reason I had for eating off my plan today. Yikes. Thanks Chris Christie. And lastly, to Mr. Christie: Take care of your health, respect your body and your children and do what you need to do. You are going to miss an opportunity that few every get and it is only because of your weight. Don’t let that happen again.

What do you guys think?

I often receive the most compliments on my eyes.

What I admire most about myself when I look at my reflection is (this one stumps me at the moment.)

I take pride in my positivity.

I love the fact that I can keep trying.

My greatest quality is compassion.

Now to the exercise for this week: “Spend at least 10 minutes going about your life believing that you are perfect exactly as you are right at this moment.”

How the heck can I go around thinking I’m perfect the way I am? What does that even mean?

When I started, I was just running a constant monologue in my head. “I’m great, I’m perfect just as I am. I dressed perfectly today and I’m walking around the house very well and …. blah, blah, blah… ” So, that wasn’t working.

Then I tried to imagine myself “perfect” or how I have always thought perfect for me would be. Of course it started with a fit and thin, strong body, beautiful skin and hair and a cute outfit. Now, I know the exercise isn’t about imagining that we are perfect, but I was trying to find out how that feeling might even be. Then I’d transfer it on to my current self.

The point is, I guess, that I have no sense of it. What can that possibly feel like? Is it, in fact, about the words in my head that describe the situations? Or is it my images of myself as I go about my life?

This is actually my second attempt at this. The first time, I couldn’t do it at all. I was just going to leave a comment on Ellen’s post and say I absolutely couldn’t do it. No way. Not possible for me to feel perfect just as I am. I am not. And I never will be in this particular version of my physical body. I don’t even want to totally accept myself fat. (This is a long journey. I’ve worked on versions of it, of knowing that I must accept where I’m at to get where I’m going, etc…) But I can’t tell myself to believe it’s all good.

Doesn’t mean I don’t like myself or even hate myself because I’m fat. As I get so much older, I have lots of regrets and some grief about the body that will now never be possible. But, I’ll do what I can.

The other things are about who I am as an artist, how well I’ve made money, how I’ve lived up to my potential intellectually… I just can’t make it okay that I haven’t and that I’ve not been successful in the other things.

I wouldn’t mind if I’d tried things and failed. My problem is that I haven’t put enough of myself out into the world. I don’t even have art or writing, for example, secreted away that I haven’t shown anyone. I just crawled into myself and didn’t even create.

I’m trying to do it all now.

I’ve just realized three things:

1. That I can’t easily think of my “perfect” self without it being about the things I’ve done or am doing.

2. When I really try to tap into the idea of just simply “being” and being happy with who I am.. I think I can. And I think I already do love myself at my core. I love who I am and who I have the potential to be. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I wouldn’t want to look like anyone else. I just want to look like myself at my healthiest and most fit. I think I might be very arrogant at the heart of it. Hmmmmmm…….

3. I’m often confused.

About the Positive Reinforcement Sheet:

I haven’t done it enough, but aim to this week. And I did change it a bit. Now mine says, “no matter what size I am, or how much I accomplish…”

It felt necessary for me.

Whew!!

9 a.m. Just for this one HOUR, I’ll choose to get dressed, go out and have a workout instead of mindlessly snacking until lunch.

11:30 a.m. Just for this one Moment, I’ll order the Lettuce Wraps from Sharkey’s instead of my favorite tostada or burrito.

12:30 p.m. Just for this one day, I’ll have a small piece of my Cocoa Crack to satisfy my “after meal sweet-tooth”, instead of searching for as much chocolate and sugar as I can find.

2:24 p.m. Just for this one day, I’ll take a breath and notice the fog that rolls in fast and thick and heavy, that tells me I need to eat something and that wants me to say, “fuck it!” to my decision to eat healthily… and I’ll yell back, “Screw you, Numbness, you’re not the boss of me. I’m going to feel good when I go to bed tonight.” (stomps foot and turns away from kitchen huffily.) …then comes to write it down on this very blog, after which time, the urgency has passed. Whew! That was a close one.

3:00 p.m. Just for this one day, I’ll take the time I need for myself and go lie in bed and read a book so that I don’t succumb to my afternoon cravings.

4:37 p.m. Just for this one day, I’ll handle the transition between activities by breathing instead of eating. I notice right away that it’s partly the anxiety that drives me to snack. I’m almost too lazy to breath through it, to find another way. But just for this one day, I’ll try it.

4:58-6:15 p.m. Just for this one minute and this next minute and this next minute….. I will remember that I can have that (whatever it is) tomorrow, or in a week or any other time except for this day.

7:30 p.m. Just for this one day, I won’t put my daughter to bed and think about what I might eat once she’s asleep and I can totally relax. For this one day, I’ll just relax with her and see myself staying relaxed and satisfied and done with food. I’ll feel past the urge or desire or craving and know that my body has had enough, and know that I am not hungry for anything more.

JUST FOR THIS ONE DAY, I DIDN’T EAT ANY SUGAR OR EXTRA, EMPTY CARBS OR HUGE PORTIONS. I EXERCISED AND DRESSED AND ALLOWED MYSELF TO REST. I GOT STUFF DONE AND DIDN’T GET OVERWHELMED (TURNING TO FOOD FOR COMFORT AND NUMBING.)

IF I CAN DO IT FOR THIS ONE DAY, I CAN DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW!!!!!!!

Thanks for the support!! I still can’t believe the quality of friends and even acquaintances I’ve made through this blog. And there’s no way I would have otherwise since we’re all over the country. Amazing.

I think I’m starting to feel better from lessening the sugar. Today I believe I’ll make it all the way through. Yeah, apples!

I’m taking my daughter off of “white sugar” too. I was resisting it, thinking it would be a battle, but it’s really been simple. I told her ahead of time and then I put a big bowl of “healthy” snacks out so that she could get them any time she wanted. She ate a box and a half of raisins yesterday. I know it’s a lot of sugar, but it’s a good transition. This morning when I put prunes on her plate, she said, “Prunes?, Thank you!!” Hilarious. Of course raisins and prunes are great for another problem she has….

Next is getting rid of the processed chips. Even though I get them from Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods, they’re not great. And she seems to have her parents “snack”-amore. So, today, I have a pile of potato’s out and we’ll make a batch of home-made chips when she gets a craving. Mostly it just takes time.

Anyway, I still can’t exercise and that is the biggest problem I have.

I’ve also gained weight. I believe a good portion of it is related to bloat from Advil, but I’ve eaten terribly for a couple of weeks now. Oh, I also am totally premenstrual. It could count, but I’m looking at reality as reality. What’s the worst thing that could happen, I lose 10 pounds quickly?

So, the new terrible news is that I was 224 this morning. I can’t cry about it since I was 250 just a few months ago. I CAN however take it seriously and get my rear in gear.

Blah, blah….

The day is still young, and I have much to do. We’re putting away Christmas decorations and working on the house. Peace reigns today. The plumbers are finishing the (very expensive) job outside and the Sears guy should be here any minute to finally fix our washing machine. Then I get to do laundry!!!! I’m truly excited. I really took it for granted.

Diet plan for the day: aim for real food and stop eating after dinner. Drink water!!!!

I’m frustrated.

I’m premenstrual, oh plus, I think I had my first official hot flash last night!

I still have headaches every day and have taken so many doses of Advil and Excedrin that I pity my poor liver.

Today is the first day I haven’t taken headache medicine all day. Plus, I only had sugar once. (Yeah, me!) I was going for low carb and zero sugar, but it was not to be…

I’m so tired of my relationship with my husband and everything that isn’t working that I don’t even care if I regret saying, “IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!” I just want to be happy. I don’t want to argue with anyone and I don’t want this. I do love him, but man, this is shit.

Therapy ensues… blah!!

We’re trying to get everything done to list our house to sell (still not done!) It has to be done this week.

I’m so worried we won’t get enough to put into another decent house, even with my  mother’s generous help. Sigh… (not complaining about this, though… we’re luckier than so many people and we will definitely have some place safe to live.)

And now we’re looking at two households. FUN!!

See, if I was eating at will I wouldn’t be venting. Let’s see how far this gets me. I still have help with my girl for an hour and a half, so that will help greatly.

If only I could exercise, I’d be so happy. I can’t take a chance with the headaches yet. Grrrrrrrr…….I NEED to sweat. I need to feel my muscles working. I’m desperate for it. Oh, I just remembered I have one of those pilates squeezie between your knees things. I’ll do that for a bit…

I just want to be happy. I wake up happy and I am so excited about what the future can hold. I need to be healthy. I need to be strong.

I need to dye the gray out of my hair and I think I finally want to cut it off in to a short boppy doo for a while. I keep thinking I should wait until I lose 20 more pounds, but …wtf, i’ll get there soon enough.

I’m weighing tomorrow and will see what I’ve done to my numbers.

Now, I need to use this moment of relief and get something done.

Thank you for your time!!

Public Opinion No Longer Worries Me

This may say it all…. Where I’ve been, what I’ve come to…

But, to flesh it all out a bit, I have had an intense December. And it all culminated in the biggest Mother F**ker of a Migraine that I’ve ever had. I went to the Emergency Room on day 5 of constant 24 hour a day pain. The “big shot” did nothing and it continued for 3 more days before I got to my Chinese medicine doctor and got some relief. It turned out to be viral and I guess that’s why no pain med touched it.

Now, I’m on day 2.5 of only intermittent pounding in my head and just exhaustion. I think it’s a “healing” state my body is trying to go into.

Thanks Munchberry, for checking up on me… and anyone else who wondered or had a kind thought for me.

I’ve had some wonderful (hard won) revelations about what I want for my life in the coming year. I’ve never been so sick, so incapacitated or so weak in my life. It clarifies things.

You know I’ll be sharing!

So… HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!

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